Chamber Notes Archives

November 2007

Should I rent a cat or buy a Rolex?

They’re doing it to me again.

It was nearly five years ago that I raised the white flag and surrendered to the Spam gods and admitted that I just couldn’t endure it any longer. In this very column, I vented my frustrations and approved the purchase of a filter that would take me out of the loop of black-market jewelry, international espionage and male enhancement.

Circumstances have catapulted me back there once again.

As The Chamber upgraded its technology this summer, we haven’t yet reinstalled the filters that separate the E-mail wheat from the chaff. So once again I get it all, on average close to a thousand-a-day. I am mesmerized by the creativity associated with luring me back onto the dark side. Many of the E-mails arrive with the names of my staff members or some business acquaintance. The subject line generally indicates some degree of urgency. If there is one time in particular that I display a high level of gullibility it’s when my inbox flies open and all that marketing minutiae slaps me hard across the face.

Allow me to cite some examples of intriguing “opportunities” that are on my screen this very minute.

Available to me, and apparently only me, is a free, stainless steel coffeemaker if I register to have lasik surgery. In the picture of the coffee maker, I notice that it has a large red light indicating when the brewing time is completed. I’m guessing that will prove helpful if the lasik surgery goes badly.

At the same time that I’m entrusting my vision to someone from cyberspace, I can also firm-up my tummy, thighs or “buns” simply by drinking tea. I’m not exactly sure how much tea I need to drink to accomplish such a feat and I’m a little disappointed that the offer doesn’t include a free, stainless steel teapot but there is one promotional tidbit that separates it from the lasik/coffee offer.

It carries Oprah’s personal endorsement.

Oprah claims that drinking this special, all-natural, weight-loss tea helped her to lose ten pounds in only six weeks. Ten pounds? Is that considered significant? Is there more than one Oprah? Am I opening myself to potential legal action if I articulate the thoughts that I’m having at this very moment?

Let’s move on to something that requires no personal endorsement but carries one anyway. That would be the complex world of pet ecology. Veterinarians everywhere are determined to warn me of the dangers of Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disease. I’m assuming, since I get multiple E-mails each day on this topic, that I have been identified as a cat owner or at least someone with the excretory system of a cat.

I not only don’t own a cat, I take bi-weekly injections to fight allergic reactions to cats. But I am eligible, according to a company called perfectlitter, to have a free two-week supply of their product delivered to my door at no obligation. What a deal! I’m tempted to increase my allergy shots and rent a cat for two weeks.

Transitioning from cats to culinary has never been simpler, thanks to the magic of E-mail. And what a choice I have! I can either enroll in a degree program at a school listed under the headline of Culinary University or accept a free Rachael Ray Chef Package. The university experience will over-qualify me to cook various dishes that I will be unable to pronounce. The Rachael Ray package will give me $500 worth of pots, pans, knives and cookbooks. The former will be incredibly expensive, the latter potentially more so. Free, as it turns out, comes with a fine-print notice that, “Some purchase may be required.” May be?

The final two E-mails to be discarded to the delete pile each carry a message just for me, at least according to the sender. The first comes from “a highly respected company with a perfect understanding of the needs of people my age.” That company is none other than “Menopause Experts” and they’ve got state-of-the-art technology that will allow me to cheat my menopause, sleep better and have healthier bones. What a breakthrough! There are so few effective ways to cheat menopause anymore.

And last but not least is the limited time offer that permits me to buy a Rolex at full price. The E-mail explains that I could have saved up to 40% but that offer expired last week. The real upside is that if I agree to pay full price and the 40% offer comes around again, they’ll reimburse me.

What great guys.

In the meantime, I can drink gallons of tea with Oprah, massage my retinas and cook fabulous meals, never using the same pot or pan twice. It’s a grand life in this world of Spam.

Even for the menopausal.

Chamber Notes Archives